So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
