The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
