He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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