I can text with my tongue
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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