Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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