I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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