whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
