what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
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