Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
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