I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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