Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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