So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
