I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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