It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
