this beer tastes like vomit already
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
