I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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