if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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