Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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