Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
