You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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