Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
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