I wish I could teleport
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
