There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
I just gift wrapped bread.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Randomize
