Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
