used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
