Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
