If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
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