New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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