OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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