We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Randomize
