sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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