people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
