just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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