My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
