Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
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