dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
