i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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