cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
Randomize
