trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Randomize
