you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
