First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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