i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
