Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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