just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Randomize
