She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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