He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize