If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
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