Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Randomize
