I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Randomize
