you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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