Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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