"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
