Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
