Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
