we have pet lesbian snakes
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
