I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
