I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Randomize
