I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
