I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
