The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
