So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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