I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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