I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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