The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
the liver wants what the liver wants
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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